cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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