I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
