You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm really busy with my period
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