I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
