So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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