just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
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Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
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You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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