No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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