Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
