He uses pillows to masturbate.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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