I feel like abortions should bother me more
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
