the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
