i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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