the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
