bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
