I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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