FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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