Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
