so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
