Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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