ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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