Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Porn is love you can see.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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