my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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