i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
