do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
