I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
