nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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