i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
