If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
