Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
