Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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