i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
