I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
