is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
