I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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