i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
