Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
