ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
