Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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