Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
sarcasm needs its own font
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
