billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
