I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
