my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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