it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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