Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
