I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
