I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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