i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
