Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I checked into jail on foursquare
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
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