i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
