the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
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I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize