At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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