Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
