Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
