miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I'm really busy with my period
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