Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
