Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
