She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
