Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
