I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just cropdusted the office
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
