R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
