why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We need to rekindle our bromance
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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