made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
