Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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