Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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